The Psychology Behind Hurtful Actions: Understanding Why People "Ghost" You

"How could they do that?" When someone "dumps" "ghosts" or even cheats on you without giving you the courtesy of explaining their feelings, reasoning or intentions, it can feel like you're getting punched in the gut. When the pain rushes in, you have an internal psychological mechanism that says, "Quick! Figure out what happened so that we never have to experience this level of pain again!" You may then find yourself trying desperately to understand what went wrong: "Why was I not enough for them? How could they do this? Did I say something wrong? Was what we had even real?" "Why was I so stupid to let my guard down?" When these questions run through your head on a loop, it can cause even more pain. This article is here offer to you some insight into what's going on, and hopefully allow you to feel a little more relief and peace.

1. Cultural Influences:  We live in a culture that glorifies independence and consumption, encourages non-committal behavior. Relationships often get treated like plastic water bottles - buy, use, discard, then grab a new one when you're thirsty. In such a world, it's no wonder that ghosting, dumping and cheating have become the norm rather than the exception, leaving so many people feeling used, empty and discarded.

2. Immaturity/Cowardice: Ghosting reflects someone's inability to handle confrontation like a mature adult. Because it's a lot easier to hit the block button than it is to have a difficult conversation about why things aren't working out. Besides, who wants to deal with the guilt of hurting someone's feelings when you can simply disappear into the digital ether?

3. Attachment Styles: Some people, especially those who grew up in dysfunctional homes, develop relationship defense mechanisms, all based in anxiety and self-protection. Some people becoming clingy, needy and jealous, and exhibit a more "insecure style" attachment. Others become aloof, and push for extra space in relationships, especially when they start getting close. For these "avoidant style" folks, the mere thought of opening up and exposing their soft underbelly and letting their guard down is enough to induce a full-blown panic attack. Instead, they choose to run and start something new.

4. Past Relationship Trauma: Ah, the ghosts of relationships past – they tend to linger long after the breakup dust has settled. For some individuals, past traumas such as betrayal, abandonment, or rejection can leave them with a fear of intimacy and a deep-seated mistrust of others. Or, they might be still hung-up on the ex, and not really able to open their heart to someone new. So, if you notice your ex's cold-hearted behavior, take a moment to consider the skeletons that may be lurking in their emotional closet.

5. Narcissism:  For some individuals, their sense of self-importance knows no bounds, and they have no qualms about leaving a trail of broken hearts in their wake. Research has shown that individuals high in narcissistic traits are more likely to engage in manipulative and callous behavior in relationships. So, if your ex has a penchant for gaslighting and emotional manipulation, you might just be dealing with a certified narcissist. If so, here are some things you'd notice:

   1. Grandiosity: Narcissists often have an inflated sense of self-importance. They may exaggerate their achievements, talents, or abilities, and expect to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.

   2. Need for Admiration: Narcissists crave admiration and validation from others. They seek constant praise, attention, and admiration to feed their fragile ego.

   3. Lack of Empathy: One of the hallmark traits of narcissism is a lack of empathy. Narcissists struggle to understand or care about the feelings and needs of others. They may disregard or minimize the emotions of others, viewing them as insignificant compared to their own.

   4. Sense of Entitlement: Narcissists often believe they are entitled to special treatment and privileges. They may expect others to cater to their needs, desires, and whims without considering the needs of others.

   5. Exploitative Behavior: Narcissists may exploit others to achieve their own goals or fulfill their own needs. They may manipulate, deceive, or take advantage of others without remorse or guilt.

   6. Envy and Jealousy: Despite their grandiosity, narcissists may feel envious or threatened by the success or happiness of others. They may react with jealousy or hostility toward those they perceive as rivals or competitors.

   7. Arrogance and Haughtiness: Narcissists often display arrogance and haughtiness in their demeanor and interactions with others. They may look down on others whom they perceive as inferior and assert their superiority in various ways.

   8. Fantasies of Success, Power, or Beauty: Narcissists may harbor fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty. They may daydream about achieving greatness or becoming the center of attention in every situation.
      

So, what's the solution to this epidemic of hurtful behavior? Well, for starters, we could all stand to be a little more empathetic and honest with one another and with ourselves. Honest and empathetic self-talk might sound like this, "I'm recognizing that this person wasn't emotionally available to me and I continued with them because I saw hope. I'm learning how to make better choices. I'm a good and loving person, and I deserve to be with someone who reciprocates my honesty and thoughtfulness."

At the end of the day, we're all just imperfect beings trying to navigate the waters of love and relationships. And after all, the best revenge is living well.

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Listening to a guided meditation can help you center and practice this strategy. I offer some guided meditations and deep breathing exercises on my main page.